My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
You Might Also Like
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”