I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.