The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.