I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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I got bills
They’re multiplying
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
i dont have time for this
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.