Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
this is literally a CIA plant
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers