“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM