I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I have a place for everything. The floor.