Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Tuesday
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.