A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*