wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.