throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed