4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries