Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop