Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Lmao the reply
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Matt Goss
He’s cranky this morning
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.