if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.