I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
the only organized thing in my life is crime
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Pandas 🐼🖤
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em