“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.