eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
not seeing the problem
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room