Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Previously On Persistence 😎
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Perfect
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall