[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?