crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Spider-cat: No One Home
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile