Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.