[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
You Might Also Like
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My dating profile:
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.