My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
when mom throws a party…
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.