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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM