Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?