I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
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Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Human are so complicated
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!