Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*puts my mental health in rice
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]