Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
jesus christ confetti not now
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.