it was a valiant fight
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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway