No chill.
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.