*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
#Caturday
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
oh you wanna fight?!
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.