Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Eat…
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people