Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop