For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”