Cha-ching is my safe word
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Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Holy shit he’s back
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.