Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
thank god
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks