🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?