When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.