Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw