Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Bootstraps
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.