I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”