[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*