Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I support this random dude and all his protests
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.