#MeanwhileinCanada
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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.