*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
This raises questions
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait