I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
What
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me, reading some of your tweets
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)