[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.