Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
You Might Also Like
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If only.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Heroic Misunderstanding
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.