He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.